So, the journey from doing everything to almost doing nothing through complete delegation has been very rough and it has definitely worn me out. Today there are broken pieces inside of me, and with the wrong trigger they can bring up a tense feeling of stress in my chest in a split second. But I'm happy to be broken a bit because I don't want my life to pass as a perfect vase but rather to carry the signs of small cracks and being worn in service for good things.
All work and no play
I just browsed in my old diary. I found an interesting entry back from 1998 or so. Basically I concluded back then, that developing a full CMS was much too big a task for me alone, but if I tried, it would require so much dedication that I would lag behind in knowledge of other areas. And that was not acceptable either. I suppose I never read that wisdom again, because this was exactly what I did. TYPO3 has taught me a lot and I have a unique experience base. However, it has also imposed many obligations and roles on me that I couldn't ignore. This has held back my personal growth in an area like education. I was too busy developing features to keep up with modern software development techniques. The influx of inspiration to my professional life has been far too small. As I prophesied in my diary, I should have balanced this better. I'm smart, but not smart enough. I'm trying to be disciplined, but fall short too often. Like most other people I don't live a perfectly balanced life and thus I have to adjust over time. And this is the time to do so. I need to let other people with better ideas, fresh energy, and equally great skills and dedication take the leading role in the development.